Thaddeus Heffner

Thaddeus Heffner - Move to the Middle

Beware! When you begin to look at your life more introspectively and consider what might need changing, be ready for life to swing and sway.  What our lives look like on the outside is often a reflection on what is going on inside of us.  According to Thaddeus Heffner, whenever we step into our inner work our outer lives will begin to mirror this. 

When attempting to process emotion, past hurts, trauma, etc, our lives can begin to look like a pendulum swinging back and forth.  As an example, if I am the kind of person who has always stuffed and suppressed my anger, when I finally begin to touch and express anger in healthy ways the pendulum may swing to the extreme opposite. Those around me might begin to wonder how I’ve gone from quiet and soft spoken to loudly voicing my opinion. 

Take heart.  This is normal.  Going from one extreme to the other, whatever you are working on, tends to be a bit of a bumpy ride on the road to finding center.  To truly understand left, our inner pendulum must swing right. To truly understand right, our inner pendulum must swing left.  Fear not. In understanding both extremes the pendulum will eventually begin to swing slower and slower until finally the gravity of experiencing life finds the center inside of you. 

 

 

Thaddeus Heffner - Don't Cry Out Loud???

Bottling Up Our Tears

We live in a western culture where tears often make people uncomfortable - the person witnessing them as much as the person weeping them.  Whether tears stem from a place of sorrow or joy, we have become a people determined to hide them.

History tells another tale. Some past cultures used to collect their tears in bottles to show their loved ones how missed they were when off to war.  The bottle of tears became a symbol of their love and longing to have back those most important to them.  There was no shame in revealing their tears.

In our present culture many cry their tears privately into a Kleenex and then throw them in the trash.  Or worse yet we bottle them up inside ourselves, suppressing them from finding any chance of escape.

When we lock up our tears inside we also keep those closest to us from entering these tender places.  We desperately hold each other at a distance while at the same time desperately need to be close to each other.

What if instead of hiding or bottling up our tears inside, we were to share them with a trusted loved one? By doing so the hearts of these loved ones become the bottles in which we now contain these precious drops - a tremendous gift to both.  

 

Posted by Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT May 5, 2014  

Thaddeus Heffner - Into the Woods

Finding Strength and Support Within Community

Would you believe that this entire forest came from the same single seedling?  This is an aspen forest, which typically grow in large clonal colonies.  Roots from the parent tree spread out and shoots of new trees appear all around, continuing to do so year after year. 

Above ground one would see a deep forest filled with hundreds, possibly thousands of trees.  Beneath the earth however there is one single root system connecting each seemingly individual tree back to the original parent making it one organism potentially miles deep and acres wide.  

These are ancient forests with a support system that can stretch back millennia.  Should a forest fire strike, the aspen grove has no fear of annihilation. Above the surface the fire ravages its victims.  However, underneath the roots run deep and, after some time young shoots will begin to break through the surface once again returning what the fire stole. 

What may look like a young forest of saplings coming up through the ground actually would still be hundreds, up to thousands, of years old because the actual root of the tree doesn’t perish deep beneath the earth. 

Much like an aspen forest, the roots of a safe, trustworthy, and loving community run deep and span generations and years.  Each person in the community stems from the one who invited him in.  Sometimes malevolent forces may overtake the community creating chaos and destruction, appearing to wipe it out completely.  But the roots of love run deep and wide.  Beneath the destruction, deep within the nurturing village, there lies our heritage, our faith, our hope, our connection to each other, and our love of life. 

Posted by Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT July 24, 2013    

 

Thaddeus Heffner - Strolling Down the Avenue Toward an Integrated Life

Shadow is a term that was used back in the days of Jung and refers to “that which we do not know,” or "that which we hide, repress and deny.”  However, long before the days of Jung and throughout known history, humankind has been acknowledging shadow within, no matter what label was used to give it definition.  

According to Thaddeus Heffner, there is often a misunderstanding that shadow is equivalent to something bad, dark, or sinful.  However, nothing could be farther from the truth, explains Heffner. Again, shadow is what we are unaware of.  Each of us is capable of being unaware of the darkness that is within us, just as much as we might hide or repress the gold and goodness that is within us.

Picture yourself standing and directly facing the sun.  Your shadow would be cast behind you and you would not ever see it from that vantage point.  It is when the Earth rotates just enough on its axis that we slowly become aware of what we once could not see. 

This is shadow. Once we become aware of it we can then choose to integrate into our self, hopefully with the intent of becoming a much more whole person.

I have heard of shadow also being described like carrying a heavy sack over ones shoulder.  Within the sack is our shadow that, unbeknownst to us, weighs us down.  Every now and then we fling the sack on the floor in front ourselves and open it up, taking a piece of our shadow out to look at. By doing so we are becoming familiar with a piece of our being, soul, or spirit, that up till now had remained hidden, and thus we integrate this piece into our conscious self.

This begs the question, “If I am unaware of my shadow how am I to become aware of it in the first place?”.   There are many ways in which our shadows, both good and bad, can be brought into our consciousness.  Have you ever had a good intentioned friend bring something to your attention about yourself that perhaps didn’t exactly accentuate your best self?  What was your response, or better yet, your reaction?  Did you snap at them? Did you walk away frustrated and wait several days before you would even speak with them again?  These may be telltale signs that your friend may have just made you painfully aware of some of your shadow.

The same can be true of gold and virtues that are within.  Have you ever been complimented or praised and found yourself surprised at the acknowledgement?  Have you ever tried to shy away from such a spotlight?  Ask yourself why?  Were you even aware that you had such gifts or character?  And now that someone else has pointed it out to you, do you believe it?  What the world needs more of is people stepping into the fullness of who they are, and the gifts that they uniquely bring.

We are greatly blessed and greatly flawed, often dancing somewhere between the conscious and the unconscious self.  We come into this life with a giant of a shadow, Hopefully, if we are willing to look this giant in the eyes when we can see it, we will leave this life with a little more light cast on the shadow, and a more integrated life.

Posted byThaddeus Heffner, LMFT – March 30, 2013

Thaddeus Heffner: The Power Is in the Asking

How many times have we wanted or needed something but fail to ask for help?  What keeps us from asking? Nine times out of ten, when I ask a client why they didn’t “just ask for help” the answer I get is, “I didn’t think they would help,” or “I was afraid they would say no.”

Thaddeus Heffner says that he tries to live by the following mantra: Men ask for what they need but they do not always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking.

What do I have if I don’t ask for what I need?  Nothing. I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own.  After a while, not engaging and asking for help can lead to a place of feeling lonely.

Now, what happens if I risk and actually ask someone, or several people, for help? What if I actually make myself vulnerable and try to get my needs met by flesh and blood human beings?  And what happens if they can’t or won’t help me? What if the answer is no?  Then I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own. 

You see there is not much difference in not asking for help and asking for help and receiving a “no” – for whatever reason.  In fact there is no difference at all between the two.  So what are we really risking? If I do ask and the answer is no, then I don’t get help. But If I don’t ask I am certain to not get help. Again I ask, what is the difference?

So what else is possible if I take a risk and ask for help? What other possible outcomes could be waiting for me if I would but open my mouth and ask to get a need met?  Maybe, just maybe, someone will lend a hand.  Perhaps they will meet my need and sometimes even go above and beyond my needs. And with getting my needs met all kinds of secondary possibilities come into play; having a vulnerable conversation, moving to a deeper level of friendship, feeling supported, affirmed, loved, worthy, respected, making a new friend in the process.  The possibilities are endless; the results usually being connection, camaraderie, a feeling of closeness with others, joy, relief – all of which are the antithesis of my feeling lonely because I didn’t reach out for help.

The most difficult step is risking and reaching out. However, the rewards far outweigh the fear of risking. 

Men ask for what they need but don’t always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking. 

Thaddeus Heffner is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Brentwood, Tennessee and is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the American Association of Christian Counselors.  You can visit Thaddeus Heffner LMFT at thaddeusheffner.com.

Talking with Thaddeus Heffner - How Men Can Be A Supportive Community

 

Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT often works with clients that struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. They don’t identify as gay or with the gay culture, as it is not who they are at their core. But they do struggle with sexualizing their gender.

Thaddeus Heffner shares, “Men will enter therapy very discouraged and full of shame, not understanding why they struggle with sexualizing their gender. They don’t have any answers at first, they only know that a gay identity does not resonate with who they are at their core.”

And so Thaddeus Heffner enters into a journey with these men, supporting them and helping them find some of the answers they are looking for. While much of this searching takes place within the therapeutic relationship and process, a big part of this journey takes place outside of the therapy session. The lessons most difficult to face are often met outside the four walls of the counseling office, reports Thaddeus Heffner. These are lessons that only life and relating can bring.

“Part of this process is in stepping toward safe community and safe friendships with good men,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “Often the other men that make up this safe community don’t know how they can help. They think they must have a PhD in psychology to understand or support a man who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction.”

Thaddeus Heffner makes clear that nothing could be further from the truth. “If you can be a friend, spend some time with these men who struggle, take an interest in what they do or would like to try to do, this is what they are looking for,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “No matter what a man struggles with, all men need acceptance from other men, along with words of affirmation, approval and even healthy forms and levels of affection depending on the man.” According to Thaddeus Heffner, these needs being met communicate messages of care, time, friendship, worthiness, and love to these men that struggle. Any man, or woman for that matter, would benefit from these kinds of needs being met in safe community.

“We tend to complicate things when it comes to supporting someone who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction,” observes Thaddeus Heffner. “But just taking time to be a friend goes a long way. Many of my clients are greatly detached, feeling unloved and unworthy. They feel as though they don’t fit in and don’t belong.”

You don’t need a PhD to be a friend, to look him in the eyes when you talk to him, asserts Thaddeus Heffner. “A sure way to know when a man is beginning to feel like he belongs, and is worthy is when he can look back into your eyes during the conversation.” Thaddeus Heffner goes on to say, “Something as simple (and for many scary) as eye contact can be very healing because you are attuning and connecting to the man, listening with your whole self. It tends to send the message ‘you matter to me.’”

Thaddeus Heffner believes that anyone can be a friend and support a man struggling with unwanted same sex attraction. Any man can reach out and be that friend. “And men, you are needed!” shares Thaddeus Heffner.

Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT practices in the greater area of Nashville, Tennessee. Thaddeus Heffner is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the Nashville Area Association of Christian Counselors, and the National Association of Research and Therapy for Homosexuality. For more information, go to thaddeusheffner.com.

Thaddeus Heffner - Honoring Our Children’s Emotions

Thaddeus Heffner encourages parents to validate and honor their child's emotions, and in doing so, find freedom to honestly and appropriately express their own.

How many of us heard the same things from our parents or other adults growing up when it came to us, as kids, getting angry, or upset, or scared about something? 

“Don’t you cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!”  Or how about this one: “Don’t you raise your voice to me.”  “Boys don’t cry” is one that I believe to have given the death blow to so many men who presently walk around not ever feeling their sadness because its not the masculine thing to do.  Did you ever hear from a parent “Don’t be scared”? Or worse yet, some went as far to even add some shame to the mix when they let some of their sons know that, “Only sissy’s get scared.”

And we wonder why so many people grow up emotionless, or suppress their emotions?  An obvious overarching message was sent growing up: “Don’t feel. It’s not safe to be authentic with your emotions.”

It is important to know as parents that sometimes our children get angry, and for good reasons.  Let me be clear, I’m not talking about a child throwing a tantrum, or stomping their feet in protest and disobedience.  Sometimes a child has good reason to be angry at a situation, like any adult.  Why would we think their anger, sadness, fear, or joy any less important than ours?

Parenting is stewardship of the most precious gift a couple can be given and part of stewarding that child is allowing them to feel and express their emotions.  Many parents have shut their children down when it concerns their feelings only to then wonder why their kids won’t share what’s going on in their lives when they reach adolescents or adulthood.  If it isn’t safe to be authentic as a child then the message sent to a son or daughter is it is not safe anytime to be authentic with mom or dad.

This finds the family in a sad state.

But this does not have to be a family’s story.  The story can have a wonderful ending.  Not a perfect one, but an authentic one.  What would it look like to take time to stop and hear your child out when something is upsetting them, or sooth them when they are sad, or listen to their fear and hold them, letting them know that we all get scared or angry sometimes? It is okay to grieve. We were made to feel.

Emotions need to felt whether we are six years, sixteen years, or sixty years old.  Do we have the patience, as parents, to take the time and do the hard work of being present with our children even in their emotions?  In taking the time with your children you might, at times, even lose your patience and get angry. But that’s okay. Go ahead and feel your anger, and while you’re feeling your anger you can explain to your child that sometimes people just need to be mad. 

Thaddeus Heffner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Brentwood, Tennessee.  He is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and the Nashville Area of Christian Counselors. You can visit him at thaddeusheffner.com.