Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT often works with clients that struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. They don’t identify as gay or with the gay culture, as it is not who they are at their core. But they do struggle with sexualizing their gender.
Thaddeus Heffner shares, “Men will enter therapy very discouraged and full of shame, not understanding why they struggle with sexualizing their gender. They don’t have any answers at first, they only know that a gay identity does not resonate with who they are at their core.”
And so Thaddeus Heffner enters into a journey with these men, supporting them and helping them find some of the answers they are looking for. While much of this searching takes place within the therapeutic relationship and process, a big part of this journey takes place outside of the therapy session. The lessons most difficult to face are often met outside the four walls of the counseling office, reports Thaddeus Heffner. These are lessons that only life and relating can bring.
“Part of this process is in stepping toward safe community and safe friendships with good men,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “Often the other men that make up this safe community don’t know how they can help. They think they must have a PhD in psychology to understand or support a man who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction.”
Thaddeus Heffner makes clear that nothing could be further from the truth. “If you can be a friend, spend some time with these men who struggle, take an interest in what they do or would like to try to do, this is what they are looking for,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “No matter what a man struggles with, all men need acceptance from other men, along with words of affirmation, approval and even healthy forms and levels of affection depending on the man.” According to Thaddeus Heffner, these needs being met communicate messages of care, time, friendship, worthiness, and love to these men that struggle. Any man, or woman for that matter, would benefit from these kinds of needs being met in safe community.
“We tend to complicate things when it comes to supporting someone who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction,” observes Thaddeus Heffner. “But just taking time to be a friend goes a long way. Many of my clients are greatly detached, feeling unloved and unworthy. They feel as though they don’t fit in and don’t belong.”
You don’t need a PhD to be a friend, to look him in the eyes when you talk to him, asserts Thaddeus Heffner. “A sure way to know when a man is beginning to feel like he belongs, and is worthy is when he can look back into your eyes during the conversation.” Thaddeus Heffner goes on to say, “Something as simple (and for many scary) as eye contact can be very healing because you are attuning and connecting to the man, listening with your whole self. It tends to send the message ‘you matter to me.’”
Thaddeus Heffner believes that anyone can be a friend and support a man struggling with unwanted same sex attraction. Any man can reach out and be that friend. “And men, you are needed!” shares Thaddeus Heffner.
Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT practices in the greater area of Nashville, Tennessee. Thaddeus Heffner is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the Nashville Area Association of Christian Counselors, and the National Association of Research and Therapy for Homosexuality. For more information, go to thaddeusheffner.com.