How many times have we wanted or needed something but fail to ask for help? What keeps us from asking? Nine times out of ten, when I ask a client why they didn’t “just ask for help” the answer I get is, “I didn’t think they would help,” or “I was afraid they would say no.”
Thaddeus Heffner says that he tries to live by the following mantra: Men ask for what they need but they do not always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking.
What do I have if I don’t ask for what I need? Nothing. I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own. After a while, not engaging and asking for help can lead to a place of feeling lonely.
Now, what happens if I risk and actually ask someone, or several people, for help? What if I actually make myself vulnerable and try to get my needs met by flesh and blood human beings? And what happens if they can’t or won’t help me? What if the answer is no? Then I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own.
You see there is not much difference in not asking for help and asking for help and receiving a “no” – for whatever reason. In fact there is no difference at all between the two. So what are we really risking? If I do ask and the answer is no, then I don’t get help. But If I don’t ask I am certain to not get help. Again I ask, what is the difference?
So what else is possible if I take a risk and ask for help? What other possible outcomes could be waiting for me if I would but open my mouth and ask to get a need met? Maybe, just maybe, someone will lend a hand. Perhaps they will meet my need and sometimes even go above and beyond my needs. And with getting my needs met all kinds of secondary possibilities come into play; having a vulnerable conversation, moving to a deeper level of friendship, feeling supported, affirmed, loved, worthy, respected, making a new friend in the process. The possibilities are endless; the results usually being connection, camaraderie, a feeling of closeness with others, joy, relief – all of which are the antithesis of my feeling lonely because I didn’t reach out for help.
The most difficult step is risking and reaching out. However, the rewards far outweigh the fear of risking.
Men ask for what they need but don’t always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking.
Thaddeus Heffner is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Brentwood, Tennessee and is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the American Association of Christian Counselors. You can visit Thaddeus Heffner LMFT at thaddeusheffner.com.
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