Thaddeus Heffner

Thaddeus Heffner - Into the Woods

Finding Strength and Support Within Community

Would you believe that this entire forest came from the same single seedling?  This is an aspen forest, which typically grow in large clonal colonies.  Roots from the parent tree spread out and shoots of new trees appear all around, continuing to do so year after year. 

Above ground one would see a deep forest filled with hundreds, possibly thousands of trees.  Beneath the earth however there is one single root system connecting each seemingly individual tree back to the original parent making it one organism potentially miles deep and acres wide.  

These are ancient forests with a support system that can stretch back millennia.  Should a forest fire strike, the aspen grove has no fear of annihilation. Above the surface the fire ravages its victims.  However, underneath the roots run deep and, after some time young shoots will begin to break through the surface once again returning what the fire stole. 

What may look like a young forest of saplings coming up through the ground actually would still be hundreds, up to thousands, of years old because the actual root of the tree doesn’t perish deep beneath the earth. 

Much like an aspen forest, the roots of a safe, trustworthy, and loving community run deep and span generations and years.  Each person in the community stems from the one who invited him in.  Sometimes malevolent forces may overtake the community creating chaos and destruction, appearing to wipe it out completely.  But the roots of love run deep and wide.  Beneath the destruction, deep within the nurturing village, there lies our heritage, our faith, our hope, our connection to each other, and our love of life. 

Posted by Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT July 24, 2013    

 

Thaddeus Heffner - Honoring Our Children’s Emotions

Thaddeus Heffner encourages parents to validate and honor their child's emotions, and in doing so, find freedom to honestly and appropriately express their own.

How many of us heard the same things from our parents or other adults growing up when it came to us, as kids, getting angry, or upset, or scared about something? 

“Don’t you cry or I’ll give you something to cry about!”  Or how about this one: “Don’t you raise your voice to me.”  “Boys don’t cry” is one that I believe to have given the death blow to so many men who presently walk around not ever feeling their sadness because its not the masculine thing to do.  Did you ever hear from a parent “Don’t be scared”? Or worse yet, some went as far to even add some shame to the mix when they let some of their sons know that, “Only sissy’s get scared.”

And we wonder why so many people grow up emotionless, or suppress their emotions?  An obvious overarching message was sent growing up: “Don’t feel. It’s not safe to be authentic with your emotions.”

It is important to know as parents that sometimes our children get angry, and for good reasons.  Let me be clear, I’m not talking about a child throwing a tantrum, or stomping their feet in protest and disobedience.  Sometimes a child has good reason to be angry at a situation, like any adult.  Why would we think their anger, sadness, fear, or joy any less important than ours?

Parenting is stewardship of the most precious gift a couple can be given and part of stewarding that child is allowing them to feel and express their emotions.  Many parents have shut their children down when it concerns their feelings only to then wonder why their kids won’t share what’s going on in their lives when they reach adolescents or adulthood.  If it isn’t safe to be authentic as a child then the message sent to a son or daughter is it is not safe anytime to be authentic with mom or dad.

This finds the family in a sad state.

But this does not have to be a family’s story.  The story can have a wonderful ending.  Not a perfect one, but an authentic one.  What would it look like to take time to stop and hear your child out when something is upsetting them, or sooth them when they are sad, or listen to their fear and hold them, letting them know that we all get scared or angry sometimes? It is okay to grieve. We were made to feel.

Emotions need to felt whether we are six years, sixteen years, or sixty years old.  Do we have the patience, as parents, to take the time and do the hard work of being present with our children even in their emotions?  In taking the time with your children you might, at times, even lose your patience and get angry. But that’s okay. Go ahead and feel your anger, and while you’re feeling your anger you can explain to your child that sometimes people just need to be mad. 

Thaddeus Heffner is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Brentwood, Tennessee.  He is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapy, and the Nashville Area of Christian Counselors. You can visit him at thaddeusheffner.com.