Thaddeus Heffner

Thaddeus Heffner: The Power Is in the Asking

How many times have we wanted or needed something but fail to ask for help?  What keeps us from asking? Nine times out of ten, when I ask a client why they didn’t “just ask for help” the answer I get is, “I didn’t think they would help,” or “I was afraid they would say no.”

Thaddeus Heffner says that he tries to live by the following mantra: Men ask for what they need but they do not always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking.

What do I have if I don’t ask for what I need?  Nothing. I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own.  After a while, not engaging and asking for help can lead to a place of feeling lonely.

Now, what happens if I risk and actually ask someone, or several people, for help? What if I actually make myself vulnerable and try to get my needs met by flesh and blood human beings?  And what happens if they can’t or won’t help me? What if the answer is no?  Then I am left empty handed, trying to figure things out on my own. 

You see there is not much difference in not asking for help and asking for help and receiving a “no” – for whatever reason.  In fact there is no difference at all between the two.  So what are we really risking? If I do ask and the answer is no, then I don’t get help. But If I don’t ask I am certain to not get help. Again I ask, what is the difference?

So what else is possible if I take a risk and ask for help? What other possible outcomes could be waiting for me if I would but open my mouth and ask to get a need met?  Maybe, just maybe, someone will lend a hand.  Perhaps they will meet my need and sometimes even go above and beyond my needs. And with getting my needs met all kinds of secondary possibilities come into play; having a vulnerable conversation, moving to a deeper level of friendship, feeling supported, affirmed, loved, worthy, respected, making a new friend in the process.  The possibilities are endless; the results usually being connection, camaraderie, a feeling of closeness with others, joy, relief – all of which are the antithesis of my feeling lonely because I didn’t reach out for help.

The most difficult step is risking and reaching out. However, the rewards far outweigh the fear of risking. 

Men ask for what they need but don’t always get it. The power is not in the getting. The power is in the asking. 

Thaddeus Heffner is a licensed marriage and family therapist in Brentwood, Tennessee and is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists and the American Association of Christian Counselors.  You can visit Thaddeus Heffner LMFT at thaddeusheffner.com.

Talking with Thaddeus Heffner - How Men Can Be A Supportive Community

 

Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT often works with clients that struggle with unwanted same sex attraction. They don’t identify as gay or with the gay culture, as it is not who they are at their core. But they do struggle with sexualizing their gender.

Thaddeus Heffner shares, “Men will enter therapy very discouraged and full of shame, not understanding why they struggle with sexualizing their gender. They don’t have any answers at first, they only know that a gay identity does not resonate with who they are at their core.”

And so Thaddeus Heffner enters into a journey with these men, supporting them and helping them find some of the answers they are looking for. While much of this searching takes place within the therapeutic relationship and process, a big part of this journey takes place outside of the therapy session. The lessons most difficult to face are often met outside the four walls of the counseling office, reports Thaddeus Heffner. These are lessons that only life and relating can bring.

“Part of this process is in stepping toward safe community and safe friendships with good men,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “Often the other men that make up this safe community don’t know how they can help. They think they must have a PhD in psychology to understand or support a man who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction.”

Thaddeus Heffner makes clear that nothing could be further from the truth. “If you can be a friend, spend some time with these men who struggle, take an interest in what they do or would like to try to do, this is what they are looking for,” says Thaddeus Heffner. “No matter what a man struggles with, all men need acceptance from other men, along with words of affirmation, approval and even healthy forms and levels of affection depending on the man.” According to Thaddeus Heffner, these needs being met communicate messages of care, time, friendship, worthiness, and love to these men that struggle. Any man, or woman for that matter, would benefit from these kinds of needs being met in safe community.

“We tend to complicate things when it comes to supporting someone who struggles with unwanted same sex attraction,” observes Thaddeus Heffner. “But just taking time to be a friend goes a long way. Many of my clients are greatly detached, feeling unloved and unworthy. They feel as though they don’t fit in and don’t belong.”

You don’t need a PhD to be a friend, to look him in the eyes when you talk to him, asserts Thaddeus Heffner. “A sure way to know when a man is beginning to feel like he belongs, and is worthy is when he can look back into your eyes during the conversation.” Thaddeus Heffner goes on to say, “Something as simple (and for many scary) as eye contact can be very healing because you are attuning and connecting to the man, listening with your whole self. It tends to send the message ‘you matter to me.’”

Thaddeus Heffner believes that anyone can be a friend and support a man struggling with unwanted same sex attraction. Any man can reach out and be that friend. “And men, you are needed!” shares Thaddeus Heffner.

Thaddeus Heffner, LMFT practices in the greater area of Nashville, Tennessee. Thaddeus Heffner is a member in good standing with the American Association of Marriage and Family Therapists, the Nashville Area Association of Christian Counselors, and the National Association of Research and Therapy for Homosexuality. For more information, go to thaddeusheffner.com.